


Choices

by youreyestheyglow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, and actually died, and got the choice between reincarnation and moving on into the afterlife, so yeah Jean's a little dead, this is that, what if Jean had actually gotten shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:55:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1917111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreyestheyglow/pseuds/youreyestheyglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean got shot and has to choose between reincarnation and the afterlife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choices

I’m not sure if it happened in the blink of an eye or the length of a lifetime.

Although in my case, my life isn’t exactly lengthy.

You get the point, though, I’m sure.

Basically, one moment we were in the controlled fear and anxiety that came with both running for our lives and trying to make plans at the same time – Armin’s specialty – and the next, there was someone there, and I was pointing my gun at him but he was standing anyway and – well – I couldn’t do it.

I trained to kill titans, not humans. Humans could be cruel, humans weren’t on our side, humans were trying to kill us, but humans were people. I hadn’t been taught to kill people.

But he had.

Or he hadn’t.

Maybe he hadn’t needed to be trained.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

But he shot me.

It took a minute, the way it always does when something hurts. A split second in which I knew it hurt, but it was a dull, far-off pain. Not real. Not there.

And then I felt it.

It cut in all at once, like a slap. Like the sound of a gunshot. Instantaneous and impossible to ignore. All-consuming.

Not that I could have told you that when it happened. Words weren’t exactly the most important thing on my mind.

Nothing was on my mind, really.

You know.

A bullet.

Straight through my face.

And it _hurt_.

Fuck, it _hurt_ , it hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before in my life. It hurt like having every bone in my face smashed, like having my face collapse in on itself, like every nerve in my face was on fire. It didn’t even matter that the rest of my body didn’t hurt; my body might as well have not existed at all.

And then it didn’t.

Or, at least, I wasn’t in it.

I wasn’t anywhere.

I could see the light.

I didn’t know how to head toward it.

My body didn’t seem to be real.

I was just.

And the light was getting closer.

I don’t know if I had anything to do with it or not, but when I entered the light my first thought was _this is so clean Heichou would approve_ and I don’t know why that was the first thing that entered my head but it was fucking _true_. The light was clean and I don’t know how light can be clean or dirty but it was clean, and it was rebuilding me a molecule at a time, putting me back together.

And then there was a woman.

I couldn’t have described her if I tried.

Looking at her was like dreaming. I knew certain things about her: I knew she was a woman, I knew she was the angel of death, I knew she was here for me.

I couldn’t have given you a description if my life depended on it.

She flowed. Strange as that sounds, it’s all I can tell you. Her hair flowed out until I couldn’t see it, but it wasn’t long. Her flowing dress disappeared into the light, but it was clearly there. Her body seemed shaped only by the dress itself, and if I couldn’t see her bare hands and feet I’d say she didn’t have them at all.

But at the same time, I _really_ wanna say she didn’t have them.

And then she opened her mouth, I think – maybe she just didn’t – and she spoke – or maybe she didn’t – I – fuck this. Fuck it. I have no idea what words she used, I have no idea what she said or didn’t say, I have no idea, I have no idea. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I know it boiled down to a choice: move on into the afterlife, or be reincarnated?

 

**Choice 1**

I wouldn’t say I’d _forgotten_ everything.

But I had.

And when she asked, I remembered.

And I knew.

I knew I couldn’t stay.

There were titans back there, and people, and life was hard and painful and death was hard and painful and life was short and terrifying and dangerous and it could get cut short at any moment and I had wanted nothing more than to live when I was alive and I wanted nothing more to die now that I was dead and none of it mattered.

I had to go back.

I had to, even though I’d be a newborn and unable to help or do anything at all for years. I had to, even though if Jaeger did his damn job there wouldn’t be any titans for me to kill. I had to, even though there was a chance I wouldn’t be needed, even though there was a chance I _would_ be needed.

“Reincarnation.”

I didn’t notice the tears until I was gasping for breath through them.

And then she was right in front of my face and I still couldn’t have told you what she looked like but it didn’t matter.

The first thing I knew was blood and cold air and my own tears and screams.

I didn’t want to be in this world.

 

_A freckled boy sat back on his heels._

_“Jean, if I’d known…” he said, a strange mixture of awe and sadness in his voice. “Dammit, Jean.” He violently swipes a hand across his eyes. “I’ll wait for you. Even if you don’t know me when you get here.”_

**Choice 2**

I wouldn’t say I’d _forgotten_ everything.

But I had.

And when she asked, I remembered.

And I knew.

I knew I couldn’t stay.

There were titans back there, and people, and life was hard and painful and death was hard and painful and life was short and terrifying and dangerous and it could get cut short at any moment and I had wanted nothing more than to live when I was alive and I wanted nothing more to die now that I was dead and none of it mattered.

I had to go back.

I had to, even though I’d be a newborn and unable to help or do anything at all for years. I had to, even though if Jaeger did his damn job there wouldn’t be any titans for me to kill. I had to, even though there was a chance I wouldn’t be needed, even though there was a chance I _would_ be needed.

“Reincarnation.”

I didn’t notice the tears until I was gasping for breath through them.

And then she was right in front of my face and I still couldn’t have told you what she looked like but it didn’t matter.

The first thing I knew was blood and cold air and my own tears and screams.

I didn’t want to be in this world.

 

_The midwife ran from one room to the next. She wasn’t needed to clean a baby, but she was needed to help a woman birth one, and she did._

_Incredible, how two neighbors could give birth within moments of each other._

_This second baby didn’t come screaming into this world, though. He smiled, he smiled at her like a little darling, and the tiny smattering of freckles across his cheekbones scrunched up close to his eyes._

_The midwife smiles as she hands him to his mother. Two little boys, growing up side by side. She wonders if their opposing dispositions will stay with them as they grow up. She wonders if they’ll be friends or enemies. She doesn’t know that they will be lovers._

**Choice 3**

I wouldn’t say I’d _forgotten_ everything.

But I had.

And when she asked, I remembered.

And I knew.

I knew I couldn’t go back there.

My courage failed me.

I’d been trying so hard for so long to be strong, to fight, to do the right thing so others wouldn’t die but it was over, I was dead, my fight was over. Over. Done. Finished. And I couldn’t bring myself to change my mind and head back into the battle. Sorry, Marco, I’m too weak for you. Sorry, Jaeger, I won’t be able to fight with you when you need it. Sorry, Armin, I know you tried to keep me alive. Sorry, Mikasa. Christa. Ymir. Levi. Erwin. Hanji. Sorry, Reiner and Bertl, too. They might’ve been traitors, but they kept us safe sometimes, too. Sorry I’m not as strong as you are. Sorry I can’t do this anymore. Sorry I made you think I could be strong when I had to when really, I’m weak, I’m weak and cowardly and I can’t put myself back into the war.

“Move on.”

I didn’t notice the tears until I was gasping for breath through them.

And then she was right in front of my face and I still couldn’t have told you what she looked like but it didn’t matter.

 

_The midwife sighed as she washed the baby. He screamed and cried, his freckles bunched up close to his eyes as he wailed. He was a screamer, that was for sure._

_I was surprised. Not that he’d chosen to go back. I knew he’d done that._

_I was surprised he was sad._

_Marco was never sad. Even in the worst circumstances, he wasn’t sad._

_I swiped at the tears threatening to fall again. “It’s okay, Marco. I’m here. I’ll be waiting for you. Even if you don’t know who I am.”_

_The midwife was shocked and pleased when the child stopped crying, his face relaxing into a peaceful smile as she wrapped him in a blanket._

**Choice 4**

I wouldn’t say I’d _forgotten_ everything.

But I had.

And when she asked, I remembered.

And I knew.

I knew I couldn’t go back there.

My courage failed me.

I’d been trying so hard for so long to be strong, to fight, to do the right thing so others wouldn’t die but it was over, I was dead, my fight was over. Over. Done. Finished. And I couldn’t bring myself to change my mind and head back into the battle. Sorry, Marco, I’m too weak for you. Sorry, Jaeger, I won’t be able to fight with you when you need it. Sorry, Armin, I know you tried to keep me alive. Sorry, Mikasa. Christa. Ymir. Levi. Erwin. Hanji. Sorry, Reiner and Bertl, too. They might’ve been traitors, but they kept us safe sometimes, too. Sorry I’m not as strong as you are. Sorry I can’t do this anymore. Sorry I made you think I could be strong when I had to when really, I’m weak, I’m weak and cowardly and I can’t put myself back into the war.

“Move on.”

I didn’t notice the tears until I was gasping for breath through them.

And then she was right in front of my face and I still couldn’t have told you what she looked like but it didn’t matter.

_“Surprised” doesn’t cover how I felt when a pair of arms caught me, holding me against a strong body that I knew better than my own._

_“Jean, Jean, Jean, Jean,” cried that familiar voice. “You weren’t supposed to get here so soon.”_

_I tentatively wrapped my arms around Marco, squeezing him tightly when he didn’t disappear, shoving my face into his shoulder and breathing in the scent that had managed to make it through to the damn afterlife. “Sorry, Marco.”_

_He shakes his head, his face rubbing against my shoulder. “No, no, I –”_

_“No,” I interrupt forcefully. “Sorry. For everything. For not being there for you. For taking so long to find you. For –”_

_He doesn’t stop shaking his head. Instead, he reaches up and pushes my face back into the hollow of his shoulder to shut me up. He leaves his hand there, though, running his fingers through my hair._

_He doesn’t say anything._

_He doesn’t have to._

_We have forever to say what we need to say._

_I’ll get used to the fact that I can’t hear his heartbeat._


End file.
